This Is Me
During this adolescent stage, your daughter will be at war with herself trying to discover who she is. She is starting to build her own identity and differentiate herself from those around her. Sometimes teenage girls think that in order to become their own person they must either completely cut off from their mothers, or the relationship is so enmeshed that the daughter is frozen in fear when thinking about making any type of decision without her mother’s input. Both ways are detrimental. During this time help your daughter to find her voice and gain the confidence that she needs to speak her truth. When you and your daughter disagree on something, rather than becoming angry and defensive, apply active listening and show her that her thoughts and opinions as an individual matter. The bottom line is that you and your daughter can still have a close relationship without having to be the exact same type of person with the exact same type of thoughts, interests, and opinions.
Take the time to step back and evaluate the way that you are handling and contributing to the relationship with your daughter. This allows for you to be honest with yourself and to evaluate what is and is not working. Once you have identified some areas that you can improve on, be brave enough to be vulnerable with your daughter and discuss your weaknesses or the reasons why you may have been so triggered in a certain argument with her. Then ACT! Start putting in the effort to make the changes the relationship needs. Just as you would want your daughter to reflect on her actions and the way that she is treating you, humble yourself to do the same.
You can begin to implement these five simple ideas today! As you do so you will begin to see changes in your relationship with your daughter and you will be on a path towards a stronger connection and bond with her. If at any point you find that you and your daughter are stuck with issues from the past or can’t seem to change poor communication habits, you may need some extra help in breaking and understanding these patterns. If this is the case, seek out the help of a therapist and let them assist you on your journey of creating the relationship that you both desire and deserve.
Written by Brandi Hess, LAMFT – Therapist at Holladay Center for Couples and Families