Couples often fight. Leading researcher, John Gottman, found through decades of successful research, that it’s not the presence of fighting or arguing in a marriage that causes divorce. He found that it was how a couple fights that would cause them to divorce. Learning how to fight fair, in a sense, is important for a healthy relationship.
Here are a few principles to consider when learning to fight fair:
- Soft Start-up – how you start your discussion matters. If you come at your spouse with an accusatory tone, it would be called a harsh start up and usually not end well. Starting your discussion with a softness can really help. For example, you might say, ‘I’m trying to understand how you feel about this, but struggling to do so. Can you tell me more about…’ This sends the message that you are not looking for a fight, but rather to partner up with your spouse in this difficult time.
- Solve your solvable problems – There are solvable problems and perpetual problems. Knowing the difference and then knowing how to focus on your solvable problems will help you not get stuck. Perpetual problems are ones that seem like they just won’t budge. Most of marriage problems fall into this category. However, you don’t’ have to solve these for your marriage to work well. You just want to know how to deal with them in a manner that allows for them to be present and for your marriage not to fail.
- Listen to your body – When you argue, your body often reacts in a manner that makes it difficult to use the skills you know. John Gottman calls this flooding. Your body gets overwhelmed. The trick is to let your body calm down when you are in an argument. This often takes some time alone. Let your body’s signals tell you when it’s the right time to take this time-out. Your body might respond to arguing by an increased heart rate, body temperature, sweating, or pressure. As soon as you feel this, know that you are becoming flooded and need to take a break.
Using these three simple principles will help you have a happier marriage and one that can last. If using these principles don’t seem to help, come in to see a therapist. We can help with marital problems such as infidelity, pornography problems, depression, anxiety, arguing, parenting issues,
Taken from John Gottman’s book: the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Written by Dr. Triston Morgan, LMFT