“What Is Love? Baby Don’t Hurt Me No More.”

The quality of our life is really the quality of our relationships. What am I doing to improve relationships in my life? I mean come on… we somehow think life owes us something but when was the last time you gave your heart? Yeah I get it –you’ve been snubbed. You’re a realist. Your ex walked out on you, your boss chewed you out before you had a time to explain yourself, your family doesn’t get you, and your stepfather is abusive.

But when was the last time I was the difference I wish I saw in the world? What do I really want? Do I want to hide the rest of my life or be seen? This is a serious question. It’s a question we all must ask ourselves. No one gets through life without having ample reason to cower over our fears. But what if this is the purpose of life? To overcome. To proved to ourselves that we are stronger within then the enemy without. To be brave. To love the unlovable.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds; it is consistent desire to choose faith over fear, action over inaction, integrity over dishonesty. A great spiritual leader was well known for his mantra proclaiming, “your future is as bright as your faith.”

And through this refinement process you get to the ability to let go of all barriers and choose your love and love your choice. You develop the ability to love beyond the emotion. This is my friend, is what it’s all about. To fight for your choice is the fruit of life. This is what makes all the pain of life bearable. To have relationships where you can place your soul’s desires in the cherished chambers of someone else’s heart. This is highest privileged of romantic love and this can also be experienced with family and friends.

This is why addictions are so detrimental because the addiction rules our lives and becomes the priority; they rob us of our true and lasting relationships. Why? Relationships thrive when they are placed as number one priority. And addictions deter and muddy this possibility, drive, and vision.

I moved 11 times to 7 different states before high school. And so, almost every year of my childhood I was relocated with my family to a different place. Between different states I moved, and sometimes to multiple times in the same state from Utah, Maryland, Indiana, California, Idaho, Illinois, and Virginia. None of these moves were in the same community, they were always hundreds of miles apart, although sometimes back in the same state due to my father’s schooling and civilian career choices (not military). I was lonely. School was traumatic and another reminder to my insecurities and inadequacies.  I clung to the hope that one day I could find and develop a best friend. And what I’m learning is that is not just one best friend; it’s anyone that has the seed desires to commit and discipline. Real love has a pragmatic and unromantic loyalty and that’s what makes it beautiful. Just like the pursuit of happiness is not a destination but a journey. A relationship with the desire to love beyond painful conditions is the richness of life. Somehow pain is actually needed to fertilize, nurture and grow to produce the fruit of great relationships.

When this is in place you can develop best friends. Below are 10 fruits of best friend qualities:

1.You feel honored to know them. There is this respect, “wow factor” about them.

2. Just seeing then brings a smile to you. You know you’ll laugh with them the moment you make eye contact.

3. Your favorite memories are with them. You have such a reserve of fun memories and you know things are only going to get better. You trust that anything between you will always get resolved; the love is stronger than anything rude you will say and do. And you have clear memories where they were there for you when others would have left and you did the same.

4. They expand your soul and teach you stuff… you’re a better person because of them.

5. You have a healthy motivation to be your best. There’s no fear. You know they are yours because your connection is that special. There’s a sense of loyal security and crazy spontaneity – a real bond of attachment. And you’re willing to give your life for them. That bond, your bond, it is worth more to you than life itself. You would sacrifice anything, and for some reason it doesn’t even seem like a sacrifice. The story of Christ’s suffering on the cross brings you to tears because you know you would do the same thing. You actually know His love.

6. Your relationship is the best. Your relationship far exceeds the external attraction of any activity, a common interest, any sex, any good looks, house, mansion, racecar, money etc.

7. You just “get” each other. You don’t have to explain things you normally need to with others because you have shared and similar pain, joy, and humor.

8. It’s amazing to you how quickly you’ll start crying or even laughing together.

9. You absolutely trust them. You only have to think, “Oh, that’s weird” when someone asks what crazy thing you’re doing. And you have this dialogue with yourself where your soul, mind, and body seem to disagree.  Your soul says, “of course, why not?” Your mind says, “You’re crazy.” And your body says, “What about me, you’re tired, hungry, too poor, …think of all the excuses.”

10. There is the sense that together you own the world. You can do anything. The world is your playground. The world responds to you rather than you reacting. You feel powerful together.

I have not met someone, or better said, I do not have a relationship where this is constant all the time but there are moments and roots that we have that form our foundation of respect, loyalty, and kindness that are deeper than the momentary disappointments. Like the song lyrics to Haddaway, “What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me, no more.” Love is a choice beyond pain. Choose someone to love today. Not because they deserve it but because that is who you are. Love is your dignity. Love is the essence of you, and the relationships we create. I would love to meet and together help create deep, meaningful, and lasting relationships. Please give me a call.

Ryan Smith, MS, LAMFT, Therapist at Holladay Center for Couples and Families

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