Cleaning Out Your Marriage Closet – Couples Counseling

People are often worried about drudging up the past with their loved ones. There is controversy as to what is healthy for the relationship. People certainly don’t like to bring up an old fight when everything is going well. The issue is that we all have a closet of sorts where we hide everything that “isn’t worth the fight.” At first this closet is empty and the intention of putting things in there is good, you intend to talk about it later, it’s just not the right time.

The problem is that you enjoy the times you’re not fighting, who wouldn’t! You soon forget about what you’re storing in the closet, and you continue to throw everything “not worth the fight” into the closet. Your closet becomes full, and when you try to fit one more thing in there everything topples over. This is the fight of all fights, this is when you seemingly “loose it” out of nowhere about nothing and everything. This fight happens at a time when something was already “not worth the fight” and you were trying to put it in the closet. Therefore, you are probably not up for resolving everything in that closet either. It’s like if your junk closet toppled over just as company is coming over, you’re going to scoop everything up and stuff it back into the closet because you don’t have time to sort through it. This fight leaves everyone upset and confused and often nothing is resolved in this fight.

So how does one clean out this closet? Well its much like spring cleaning, you are going to take everything out and you begin to sort everything into categories. You evaluate if it is something that only happened once and will never happen again, if this is the case it truly isn’t worth the fight and can be thrown out. If it is something that continues to happen you need to address it, you will be bringing up the past not as a weapon against the other person, but as a justification for bringing it up as an issue. It is absolutely necessary that cleaning this closet is done at a time when your calm and you remain calm to be able to assess what the core of the problem is, what does their behavior tell you about your relationship with them. For instance, If someone is always late, how does their behavior effect you, why does it feel disrespectful to you and how does it create distance in your relationship, what is the message you receive about their feelings toward you. As opposed to judging their behavior as something you wouldn’t do and lecturing them about how it affects them.

When you clean out the closet you are transferring responsibility to the people it will be useful with. You will find that the cleaner your closet becomes the more clarity you will have in your relationships. Your intent in cleaning out the closet is not to change other people’s behavior, it is meant to change your relationships. You will find that some people will choose to become more distant because they are unwilling to make changes, but the relationships that become closer and the internal peace will be worth the distance in others.

Written by Madison Price, MS, LAMFT – therapist at Holladay Center for Couples and Families

Hidden Signs of Depression

Studies show about 1 out of every 6 adults will have depression at some time in their life. This means that you probably know someone who is depressed or may become depressed at some point. We often think of a depressed person as someone who is sad or melancholy. However, there are other signs of depression that can be a little more difficult to detect.  

Trouble Sleeping 

If you notice a change in a loved one’s sleeping habits pay close attention as this could be a sign of depression. Oftentimes depression leads to trouble sleeping and lack of sleep can also lead to depression.

Quick to Anger
When a person is depressed even everyday challenges can seem more difficult or even impossible to manage which often leads to increased anger and irritability. This can be especially true for adolescents and children.  

Losing Interest 
When someone is suffering from depression you may notice a lack of interest in past times he or she typically enjoys. “People suffering from clinical depression lose interest in favorite hobbies, friends, work — even food. It’s as if the brain’s pleasure circuits shut down or short out.” 

Appetite Changes
Gary Kennedy, MD, director of geriatric psychiatry at Montefiore Medical Center in Bronx, New York cautions that a loss of appetite can be a sign of depression or even a sign of relapse back into depression. Dr. Kennedy also points out that others have trouble with overeating when they are depressed. 

Low Self-Esteem 

Depression often leaves people feeling down about themselves. Depression can lead to feelings of self-doubt and a negative attitude.  

What to do
If you suspect you or someone you love may be suffering from depression talk about it, encourage him or her to get professional help and once he or she does be supportive. Remember that at times symptoms of depression need to be treated just like any other medical condition.

Originally published on http://utvalleywellness.com/

 

How Do I Help My Depressed Teenager?

Teens with depression can be successfully treated if they seek the right help. Teen depression doesn’t have to mean a lifetime of struggle, and it certainly doesn’t have to end in suicide. Wake up parents, be aware, notice the red flags and then seek to find the professional help that your teen needs and deserves. In addition to seeking professional assistance, below are a few key suggestions on how to help your depressed teenager.

Acknowledge their feelings: Acknowledging the pain and sadness they are experiencing can go a long way in making them feel heard, understood and supported. Often times adults try to talk their teens out of depression, by rationalizing or trying to convince them that their problems are really not that bad. Well-meaning attempts to explain why “things aren’t that bad” come across as if you don’t take their emotions seriously.

Focus on listening: Listen to your child without offering advice or lecturing. Once your teen begins to talk resist the urge to pass any judgement or get upset. You’ll do the most good by simply letting your teen know that you’re there for them, listening fully and unconditionally.

Encourage social connection: Depressed teens tend to withdraw from their friends and the activities they used to enjoy. Isolation makes depression worse, do what you can to help your teen reconnect with their peers and loved ones. Suggest activities such as sports, after-school clubs, or an art, dance, or music class suggest things that interest your child or that he or she has a special interest in.

Make Time: Set aside time each day to talk one on one with your teenager. Put your phone and work away and focus completely on your teen without trying to multitask.

Physical Health: Depression is associated with inactivity, inadequate sleep, and poor nutrition. Teens are known for staying up late, eating junk food, and spending hours on their phones and devices. Encourage your teenager to create healthy habits in their lives by exercising daily, getting enough sleep, and eating nutritious foods.

Set limits: Cell phones have become a way for teenagers to escape real life and ignore their problems. As the number of hours, a teen spends on their phone increases the number of hours that that teen spends being physically active or socially connected with their peers decreases. Which in turn, increases depression.

Be understanding.: Living with a depressed teenager can be exhausting.  At times, you may experience unnecessary guilt, rejection, despair, anger, and many other negative emotions. It is easy to blame yourself and to start doubting your own parenting skills. Remember that your child is not being difficult on purpose. Your teen is suffering, so do your best to be patient and understanding.

When Do I Seek Professional Help?

Listen to your gut. You know your child, you know what is and isn’t normal for their personality. As you are actively engaged in their lives you will know if something is up. Have the courage and the strength to seek the professional help that is necessary to help your teen learn how to manage and understand depression in order to live a happy, balanced, and fulfilled life.

 

Written by Brandi Hess, LAMFT

 

Couples Counseling (near Cottonwood Heights, Sandy, Holladay)

“Couples counseling” isn’t a four letter word. Knowing when to get help is important and something that every couple needs be aware of. Here are a few signs that you might need help.

  • Failed attempts to fix your marriage – many couples have/will have an experience where they need help in their marriage. They try and try and nothing gets better. They talk with friends, family and read books. They listen to online video’s from experts, but just can’t seem to get it right.
  • Significant stress in your relationship during transitional periods – couples often experience stress during transitions. Children being born, children moving out, retirement, loss of a job – or getting new job, a change in health, a move to a new city, etc… These all bring stress (even positive stress is still stressful!).
  • 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse – Researcher John Gottman found that if you have any of the following in your relationship, that it could be in trouble: Defensiveness, Criticism, Contempt or Stonewalling. See his book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

A competent couples counselor will help you work through any of these types of issues. Couples come in to therapy years after it would be good to start. Don’t wait until its too late – most couples do.

Help for Depression

Everyone gets depressed. Not everyone gets floored by depression. Sometimes depression is more than situational (when you dog dies). There are times when chemically, emotionally, relationally, socially our lives put us in a position to feel down.

 

Here are a few things to do when you are feeling down that might help:

  • Reach out to loved ones – sometimes being close to someone and letting them know you are having a hard time can help. They have to be the ‘right’ person to reach out to, however.
  • Exercise – increasing your physical activity can help produce natural endorphins and chemicals in your body that feel good.
  • Eat right – a healthy diet goes a long way with depression.
  • Medication – not everyone needs medications when they are depressed, but some do.
  • Therapy – talk therapy can be very effective for depression. Learning coping skills and connecting with others is a powerful way to combat this issue.

 

If nothing else, know that there is help and that you don’t have to do this alone. You aren’t bad for feeling depressed, you aren’t bad for not knowing what to do, you aren’t bad for struggling to cope.

 

I once had a client who was depressed. They found it difficult to get motivated in life and connect with others. As we worked in therapy, they eventually found a way to reach out to others and found motivation. It was a difficult road, but one that was possible.

Written by Dr. Triston Morgan, LMFT

Telling Your Kids About Divorce

Making the decision to divorce is hard enough when thinking about only the spouses involved, add kids to the mix and things get ten times more difficult. If you are going through a divorce, most likely you are concerned about how your decision to separate will affect your children, and how are you going to tell them? As parents we are constantly trying to protect our children from any pain and suffering, the reality is that the news of your parents’ divorcing, no matter how carefully delivered, is going to cause some kind of pain, hurt, or confusion in the eyes of your child.  Although you can’t control how you or your child will feel during this stressful time in your lives, you can make the choice to commit to seeking out effective ways to handle and offer a positive healthy source of support for your children. Committing to this will allow them to adjust to the divorce in a positive way, and in their own way as you lovingly guide them through the process.

TIPS 

  • If possible the news of the divorce should come from both Mom and Dad together as a family.  During this conversation stress the fact that even though family life is going to look very different, you will both continue to love them.
  • Tell the children that the divorce has nothing to do with anything that any of the children may have done or not done. Reassure them that they are not the cause of the divorce.
  • Children thrive on structure, especially during transition periods. Keep a daily routine with school, activities, and their regular everyday life. Keeping as much consistency as possible helps the children to feel more secure.
  • Having some kind of a plan of what life might now look like for them can be very beneficial. It is comforting for them to know where they will be going to school, where they will be sleeping, and how often they will see mom or dad. Nothing is permanent in this arrangement but offering them some sort of idea of how their lives will and won’t change will again help them to feel secure. 
  • Address your children’s concerns. Encourage them to talk, scream, cry or celebrate. Help them to feel safe in expressing their feelings.
  • Lastly, make sure that they are told how much you both love them and how that will never change.

Studies show that children do best and have fewer long-term emotional, social or academic problems when parents can establish a healthy, respectful, co-parenting relationship. Transitioning into a new type of relationship and putting aside the hurt and anger that are associated with the broken marriage can be extremely difficult for many parents to accomplish. But through patience with each other and hard work, it can be done. Divorce changes families but it does not end your commitment to your children. Make sure you take the time to find the solutions that work best for your family to ensure a positive outcome for you and your children.

**If you or your children are struggling to deal with the life transitions involved with divorce, seek out professional assistance for individual or family therapy. The therapist can assist in encouraging better communication, and be helping all families members to properly heal and process the trauma of divorce.

 

Brandi Hess, MA, LAMFT

Brandi Hess has a passion for helping people to work through life’s difficulties, assisting them in finding joy, and the strength to reach their full potential. Brandi strives to ensure that she understands each of her clients’ unique needs. She provides therapy and counseling sessions tailored specifically to obtain her clients’ goals, in an individual or family setting. She offers a kind, honest, and straight-forward approach in therapy, allowing for trusting relationships to be built. She specializes in couples and family distress, pre/post-divorce, and adolescent treatment. One of Brandi’s many strengths is being able to connect with adolescents by creating a therapeutic environment where the adolescent feels safe and willing to start the process of change. Brandi works with a variety of concerns such as depression/anxiety, women’s issues, and trauma. Brandi received her Bachelors of Science in Human Development and Family Studies at the University of Utah, and her Master’s degree in Marriage & Family Therapy from Argosy University.

Family Therapy

Even the happiest families hit speed bumps along the way. Whether your family is experiencing major changes, experiencing a crisis, or things just feel off, you can find yourself wondering what has happened to our family? As your family grows and enters new stages of life, new expectations, and new life experiences in general, it can often be hard for family members to adjust and adapt. As these changes occur it is important for the family system to strengthen their communication skills and work together in the family unit. Change is part of life and is often something that adults and children are not comfortable with. Whether your family is overcoming a new transition or trying to adjust to the changing dynamics of your family system, seeking help from a therapist can help to create new ways of relating to each family member, strengthen communication skills, and learn better ways to work together so that your family can get back on track of enjoying each other through this thing called life!

 

Stayed tuned for some quick tips on things that you can do to help  strengthen your family!

5 Simple Tips for The Mother of a Teenage Daughter – Part II

Are You Even Listening to Me?

This may be a statement that we say as adults to children, but more times than not our daughters are wondering the same thing. Through your example you can teach your daughter the powerful skill of active listening. This skill will not only strengthen your and her relationship, but it will also benefit her in every other relationship that she has.

Active listening techniques include: building trust and establishing rapport, demonstrating concern, paraphrasing and repeating back what you are hearing, demonstrating nonverbal cues which show understanding, such as nodding, eye contact, or leaning forward and lastly affirmations like “I see” or “I understand”. As you practice active listening pay close attention to the feelings underlying the message, this is often the real message. Active listening allows us to connect and understand each other on a deeper level. Through genuinely listening you are showing your daughter that she is worthy of your time. In that moment she will feel that she is more important to you then whoever is texting you, or that mountain of laundry that is piled on the floor.

Repair Because You Care

People in healthy relationships don’t avoid conflict. Conflict is inevitable in any type of relationship, so practice dealing with the conflict head on. The sooner you address the conflict issue with your daughter, the less time there is for feelings of anger, frustration or resentment to keep building. Avoiding conflict will not only weaken your relationship, but it will also cement a pattern of not resolving conflict for your daughter. Teaching your daughter how to address conflict gives her the tools necessary to have tough uncomfortable conversations without being afraid. It exemplifies unconditional love and tells her that you respect her and value your relationship with her, even if you are arguing for the fourth time that week!

Check back soon for part III.

Written by Brandi Hess, LAMFT – Therapist at Holladay Center for Couples and Families

Couples Counseling with an Expert

Couples counseling, if done right, isn’t a refereed fight in a therapist’s office. A trained therapist will help you to identify underlying, unmet emotional needs after helping you to deescalate from the tension and fighting you have been experiencing with your spouse. The problem is that most couples come into therapy years too late and it is difficult to change course – to learn a new way. It is possible, however! John Gottman, a world-renowned researcher on marital stability and satisfaction, has found that it is not the presence of argument that causes divorce, but rather it’s how a couple argues that causes divorce. Knowing this, couples don’t have to ignore what they are feeling, but rather they can communicate it differently and in a healthier manner.

Marriage and family therapists are trained to do this type of work. This is a specific degree and license type that focuses on relationships between people (husband and wife; father and son; mother and daughter, etc…) as the point of intervention rather than just focusing on fixing symptoms (depression; anxiety, etc…). Its important to alleviating depression and anxiety and its crucial to build relationships that help someone deal better with anxiety and depression in the first place.

Pornography Counseling

Pornography addiction is becoming more prevalent in our society. Organizations like Fight the New Drug do a great job of educating the public on the harmful effects of pornography. What do you do if you struggle and can’t seem to find a way out? For many, the way out seems elusive and unobtainable. It’s difficult to find how when you have tried so many things, only to have this problem keep coming back. Many that come into counseling have already been before and are discouraged that they just can’t ‘get over it’. Knowing how to use the power or education and relationships is part of the answer. A good therapist can help you access both in your efforts to let go of this addiction. At the Holladay Center for Couples and Families we specialize in relationship therapy in regard to pornography use. Knowing how to communicate with your loved ones about this difficulty is an important part of the process.