Telling Your Kids About Divorce

Making the decision to divorce is hard enough when thinking about only the spouses involved, add kids to the mix and things get ten times more difficult. If you are going through a divorce, most likely you are concerned about how your decision to separate will affect your children, and how are you going to tell them? As parents we are constantly trying to protect our children from any pain and suffering, the reality is that the news of your parents’ divorcing, no matter how carefully delivered, is going to cause some kind of pain, hurt, or confusion in the eyes of your child.  Although you can’t control how you or your child will feel during this stressful time in your lives, you can make the choice to commit to seeking out effective ways to handle and offer a positive healthy source of support for your children. Committing to this will allow them to adjust to the divorce in a positive way, and in their own way as you lovingly guide them through the process.

TIPS 

  • If possible the news of the divorce should come from both Mom and Dad together as a family.  During this conversation stress the fact that even though family life is going to look very different, you will both continue to love them.
  • Tell the children that the divorce has nothing to do with anything that any of the children may have done or not done. Reassure them that they are not the cause of the divorce.
  • Children thrive on structure, especially during transition periods. Keep a daily routine with school, activities, and their regular everyday life. Keeping as much consistency as possible helps the children to feel more secure.
  • Having some kind of a plan of what life might now look like for them can be very beneficial. It is comforting for them to know where they will be going to school, where they will be sleeping, and how often they will see mom or dad. Nothing is permanent in this arrangement but offering them some sort of idea of how their lives will and won’t change will again help them to feel secure. 
  • Address your children’s concerns. Encourage them to talk, scream, cry or celebrate. Help them to feel safe in expressing their feelings.
  • Lastly, make sure that they are told how much you both love them and how that will never change.

Studies show that children do best and have fewer long-term emotional, social or academic problems when parents can establish a healthy, respectful, co-parenting relationship. Transitioning into a new type of relationship and putting aside the hurt and anger that are associated with the broken marriage can be extremely difficult for many parents to accomplish. But through patience with each other and hard work, it can be done. Divorce changes families but it does not end your commitment to your children. Make sure you take the time to find the solutions that work best for your family to ensure a positive outcome for you and your children.

**If you or your children are struggling to deal with the life transitions involved with divorce, seek out professional assistance for individual or family therapy. The therapist can assist in encouraging better communication, and be helping all families members to properly heal and process the trauma of divorce.

 

Brandi Hess, MA, LAMFT

Brandi Hess has a passion for helping people to work through life’s difficulties, assisting them in finding joy, and the strength to reach their full potential. Brandi strives to ensure that she understands each of her clients’ unique needs. She provides therapy and counseling sessions tailored specifically to obtain her clients’ goals, in an individual or family setting. She offers a kind, honest, and straight-forward approach in therapy, allowing for trusting relationships to be built. She specializes in couples and family distress, pre/post-divorce, and adolescent treatment. One of Brandi’s many strengths is being able to connect with adolescents by creating a therapeutic environment where the adolescent feels safe and willing to start the process of change. Brandi works with a variety of concerns such as depression/anxiety, women’s issues, and trauma. Brandi received her Bachelors of Science in Human Development and Family Studies at the University of Utah, and her Master’s degree in Marriage & Family Therapy from Argosy University.

5 Simple Tips for The Mother of a Teenage Daughter – Part II

Are You Even Listening to Me?

This may be a statement that we say as adults to children, but more times than not our daughters are wondering the same thing. Through your example you can teach your daughter the powerful skill of active listening. This skill will not only strengthen your and her relationship, but it will also benefit her in every other relationship that she has.

Active listening techniques include: building trust and establishing rapport, demonstrating concern, paraphrasing and repeating back what you are hearing, demonstrating nonverbal cues which show understanding, such as nodding, eye contact, or leaning forward and lastly affirmations like “I see” or “I understand”. As you practice active listening pay close attention to the feelings underlying the message, this is often the real message. Active listening allows us to connect and understand each other on a deeper level. Through genuinely listening you are showing your daughter that she is worthy of your time. In that moment she will feel that she is more important to you then whoever is texting you, or that mountain of laundry that is piled on the floor.

Repair Because You Care

People in healthy relationships don’t avoid conflict. Conflict is inevitable in any type of relationship, so practice dealing with the conflict head on. The sooner you address the conflict issue with your daughter, the less time there is for feelings of anger, frustration or resentment to keep building. Avoiding conflict will not only weaken your relationship, but it will also cement a pattern of not resolving conflict for your daughter. Teaching your daughter how to address conflict gives her the tools necessary to have tough uncomfortable conversations without being afraid. It exemplifies unconditional love and tells her that you respect her and value your relationship with her, even if you are arguing for the fourth time that week!

Check back soon for part III.

Written by Brandi Hess, LAMFT – Therapist at Holladay Center for Couples and Families

Couples Counseling with an Expert

Couples counseling, if done right, isn’t a refereed fight in a therapist’s office. A trained therapist will help you to identify underlying, unmet emotional needs after helping you to deescalate from the tension and fighting you have been experiencing with your spouse. The problem is that most couples come into therapy years too late and it is difficult to change course – to learn a new way. It is possible, however! John Gottman, a world-renowned researcher on marital stability and satisfaction, has found that it is not the presence of argument that causes divorce, but rather it’s how a couple argues that causes divorce. Knowing this, couples don’t have to ignore what they are feeling, but rather they can communicate it differently and in a healthier manner.

Marriage and family therapists are trained to do this type of work. This is a specific degree and license type that focuses on relationships between people (husband and wife; father and son; mother and daughter, etc…) as the point of intervention rather than just focusing on fixing symptoms (depression; anxiety, etc…). Its important to alleviating depression and anxiety and its crucial to build relationships that help someone deal better with anxiety and depression in the first place.

Family Therapy

Families often struggle to communicate. We often work with families that have a hard time creating and enforcing rule and boundaries, co-parenting and dealign with adolescents and teenagers. A good family therapist will help a family develop relationship patterns instead of just treating symptoms (i.e., depression and anxiety). Symptom abatement will result in additional problems (really just the same problem manifesting itself again). Working on fundamental change will help progress continue past therapy. We do counseling for families in Holladay, Cottonwood Heights, Millcreek, Murray, Sandy and Sugar House.

Life Insurance Myths & Misconceptions

Growing up, I would look through the newspaper to find the sports section, the funnies, and any other interesting articles I could find.  However, I always seemed to come across the obituaries.  I would stop and read them.  Most people seemed to live a great life: loving families, great jobs, and lots of extracurricular activities.  But, the thing that affected me the most was when at the end of the obituary, it would state something along the lines of, “in lieu of flowers please send money.”  Today it looks a little different.  There are no more newspaper obituaries, but instead online and social media declarations and announcements.  Yet, one thing looks the same; instead of “in lieu of…” it now states “gofundme” or tells where an account has been set up at a local bank.  The wording is different, but the intent is the same!  That is why I strongly believe we need to address the topic of Life Insurance Myths and Misconception.   

MYTHS

Life insurance is too expensive. 

“86% of Americans say they haven’t bought life insurance because it’s “too expensive,” yet they overestimate its true cost by more than 2X”. *   Believe it or not it’s not as expensive as you think.  It could be half as much as you think. 

Life insurance through my employer is enough. 

“33% of Americans say they don’t have enough life insurance, including one-fourth who already own a policy”.*  Some employers provide some life insurance for their employees; however, they normally offer 1 to 2 times your annual salary.  Most likely that number doesn’t include commissions, bonuses, and other income.   It is recommended that you have 8-12 times the annual income in life insurance coverage.  (You may want to use a calculator to determine specific need.)  Also, if you ever change jobs, get terminated, or retire, in most cases your life insurance coverage will not go with you.  Depending on age and health, it could be less expensive to purchase and own your own policy.  “Those with life insurance carry enough to replace their income for just 3.6 years.  How would their families get by after that?”*  

Stay-at-home parents don’t need it.  

“Imagine if something were to happen to the stay-at-home spouse in your family. The breadwinner may need to hire someone to clean and take care of the kids, and that can cost a lot of money. Unless your family would have that extra income to spare, you may need life insurance on both spouses,” advises Marvin Feldman, President and CEO of life insurance non-profit organization, Life Happens.   This also gives the remaining parent time to grieve, take care of kids, and take time off of work.   

I’m too old or too young for life insurance. 

 Life insurance provides for the needs of those left behind.  There are lots of different options for coverage no matter what stage of life you are in.  And, as long as there is a need there should be coverage in place.  Depending on age and health, different companies will provide different options.  Work with a professional to help you cover that need.   

“85% of Americans say most people need life insurance, yet only 62% have coverage.”* In fact, “3% say their cell phone is the most important, and 20% have cell phone insurance.”* Every person’s situation is unique and different.  Some need a lot of coverage and some may not need any at all.  But what I do know is that families need to be informed and educated on their options.  Each person needs a plan…and “gofundme” isn’t a plan.   

*LIMRA and LIFE Foundation 2013 Insurance Barometer Study (www.lifehappens.org 

The answer is YOU!

This time I was determined to fix this on my own. After all, I had a certification in corrective exercise, how could I not fix this? At that point I realized the only person that can help me was me. I was sick of paying chiropractors and doctors to temporarily ease the pain, but never giving me a path forward so that I could enjoy aggressive sports, lifting heavy, snowboarding, or whatever I felt like doing. I thought to myself, shouldn’t these professionals know how to fix this? Well yeah, but their answer was surgery. Not mine. By the way, I realize that sometimes the only answer is surgery in certain cases. And that’s okay. But I wanted to give my body a chance to see if I could figure this one out on my own. Feeling frustrated, but hopeful, I started to study every article about sacroiliac joint pain related to exercise and nursing it back to full strength, if it was even possible. There was a lot of trial and error, stumbling along the way, and figuring out which exercises were doable and which ones I needed to avoid. I slept different. I changed my posture. Patience was needed because this was a slow process. I slowly began building up my joint strength, my core strength, hip mobility, working in different planes of motion, and finally lifting heavier and heavier weight. I succeeded. I felt as if I had never experienced this injury because I was pain free and felt strong enough that I could do anything. This was probably one of the most satisfying experiences of overcoming something that seemed impossible to do. 

I feel like we all have something like this, whether it is losing fat, getting stronger, eating healthier and living a healthy lifestyle, training for a difficult event, overcoming an injury, getting over an addiction, succeeding at a business or career, and so on and so forth. My challenge to you is to be patient and be hopeful. Don’t give up. If it’s worth it to you, then give it all that you can whether that be physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. Be your best self. You have the potential and you are well worth it! 

 

 

Behavioral Health: Integrated Care and the Future of Whole-Person Treatment

The term behavioral health has gained exposure and popularity more recently, particularly among medical providers and those involved in healthcare reform in the United States. Burg & Oyama1 define behavioral health as, “the psychosocial care of patients that goes far beyond a focus on diagnosing mental or psychiatric illness… [encompassing] not only mental illness but also factors that contribute to mental well-being”. This is the first of a series of articles which will introduce essential concepts and goals for integrated behavioral health treatment.  Why is this important?  The correlation between comorbid mental health and medical issues has mounting evidence for impacting healthcare cost, treatment outcomes, and patient satisfaction.  Comorbidity in this sense refers to the presence of two co-occurring issues influencing the progression and prognosis of either condition.  Well researched comorbid conditions include diabetes & depression2asthma & anxiety/panic3, and chronic pain & psychosocial issues4.  The good news is we are learning innovative ways to effectively treat comorbid conditions concurrently, thereby increasing the likelihood of successful outcomes and improved quality of life for patients. 

The sustainable future of healthcare in the U.S. will likely require efforts to improve consultation/communication, cross-discipline competency, and collaboration among clinical teams.  Traditionally, mental health specialists (i.e. psychologists, LMFTs, LCSWs, LPCs, CMHCs, etc.) have operated in relative isolation from the medical community.  Aside from psychiatrists, who are primarily trained as Medical Doctors (MD), many practicing psychotherapists have minimal training in the biomedical model of treatment.  And the inverse is true as well, wherein medical practitioners often have limited understanding of psychotherapeutic theory, psychosocial problem etiology, and effective behavioral intervention.  This is exceptionally problematic for the patient because practitioners involved in treatment may have dramatically different, and often conflicting, beliefs about mental health problems and their respective solutions.  Sperry5  suggests, “the goal of health care integration is to position the behavioral health counselor to support the physician… bring more specialized knowledge… identify the problem, target treatment, and manage medical patients with psychological problems using a behavioral approach”.  The future of medicine may very well be found in systems which prioritize such supportive collaboration, encourage patient-centered policy, and deliver on whole-person treatment options.  

Hopefully this educational introduction to behavioral health integration can serve as a starting point for further interest and exploration of the topic.  While this is a relatively new concept, I predict we will see a dramatic increase of integrative efforts emerge over the next several years as clinicians, administrators, policy makers, and third-party payers (i.e. insurance companies) recognize the cost-effectiveness and clinical efficacy of interdisciplinary collaboration.  We do not live our lives in a vacuum, and our problems are rarely isolated conditions in themselves.  Therefore, we will need innovators across various disciplines to create efficient and effective systems which benefit all parties involved with the daunting task of healthcare reform.  As patients, we can empower ourselves with education about how the biopsychosocial model might positively influence our role and options in treatment.  So, the next time you are at the doctor’s office and they ask you questions about mood and/or behaviors, and you think, “What does this have to do with my medical problem?”, now you’ll know.   

References 

1.Burg, M.A., & Oyama, O. (2016).  The behavioral health specialist in primary care: Skills for integrated practice. New York, NY:  Springer Publishing Company.   

 

  1. de Groot, M., Golden, S.H., & Wagner, J. (2016).  Psychological conditions in adults with diabetes. American Psychologist, 71(7), 552-562.    

 

  1. Ritz, R.,Meuret, A., Trueba, A.F., Fritzche, A., & von Leupoldt, A. (2013).  Psychosocial factors and behavioral medicine interventions in asthma.  Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 81(2), 231-250.  

 

  1. Gatchel, R.J.,McGeary, D.D., McGeary, C.A., & Lippe, B., (2014).  Interdisciplinary chronic pain management.  American Psychologist, 69(2), 119-130. 

 

  1. Sperry, L. (2014). Behavioral health: Integrating individual and family interventions in the treatment of medical conditions.  New York, NY: Routledge.  

 

How do I Get My Husband to Come to Counseling?

Counseling, if done right, is husband friendly! Find the right therapist and you’ll understand. The problem is that many husbands worry that the therapist is going to take their wife’s side and gang up on him, or that therapy will be uncomfortable. While the latter may be true, the former isn’t. A good therapist doesn’t take sides or act as a referee. I have had many couples want to hash out an argument in front of me in counseling so that I can tell them who is right. I stop them, and explain that even if one of them ended up right, that they would be so wrong in their rightness – their marriage would suffer because they insisted on being right instead of compassionate and forgiving. A good therapist, rather, is able to foster healthy interactions between spouses so that they both feel safe and are able to be vulnerable and genuine with each other. When husbands understand that what they feel and think is important, then they are more willing to make this uncomfortable leap with their spouse. Women are more likely than men to initiate therapy, but without buy-in from the man, it is difficult to be successful in therapy. My suggestion to women who want to initiate counseling, but have a reluctant spouse is to recognize that this is scary for your spouse. They may feel as if they will be attacked, or worse yet, that they will lose you. Help them understand that your desire for counseling is because you love him and because you want this to work – but aren’t sure how to make fix it. Ask him to give therapy at least 3 sessions – after that, if he still feels reluctant there might be another counselor or approach that you could try. Most men feel better about therapy after at least 3 sessions if you have the right therapist for you.

 

Originally published on www.tristonmorgan.com

 

When the Holidays Hurt

For many people, the holiday season is a time of joy and magic, a time where people relive and create happy memories. They are moments of joyous gatherings filled with love, laughter and crowded tables. But if you are not one of those people, the holiday season can be very difficult to endure. For individuals who have experienced the loss of a loved one, abuse in childhood, or another tragedy or trauma, the holidays just remind you of that loss and pain. Your days may not be merry and bright. Your days may feel more gloomy, more isolating, and you may feel more disconnected from the world around you.  

The holidays are here, and the holidays can hurt. 

Maybe it’s because of the chairs that will be empty or the phone calls that won’t come. Maybe it’s the time off from work that allows you to think about your life and feel the pain. Maybe it’s the reminder that all of your holidays your whole life were negative and filled with dysfunction and abuse. And maybe it’s the perception that everyone else has the picture perfect holiday gatherings with all their loved ones. Whatever the reason may be, a heavy sadness can take hold of you and you don’t know how to shake it off.  

For many of us, depression, grief, and sadness are constants and we get used to fighting them off and keeping them at bay. There’s nothing like the holidays that make you feel like you not only have to have it all together, but you have to wrap it up with a bow and display it for the world to see.  

If you happen to be hurting this holiday season, I’d like to offer some helpful advice. 

Let it hurt. Allow yourself to feel the pain and allow it to come fully without altering or inhibiting it. Life is difficult and painful sometimes and it is okay that you are not okay during this time. You don’t need to pretend that you are. Emotional reactions are expected and there are no right or wrong feelings.  

Don’t hide it. Be as authentic as you can with the people you are closest to. Allow people who love you to be there for you and support you in your time of pain and distress. Let them see you and know you–not an edited, “better” version of yourself.  

Today is really just another day. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that it must be the most wonderful time of the year. It doesn’t have to be, and it clearly isn’t that this year.  

Practice self care. Be aware of yourself and what you’re feeling and if something is triggering and overwhelming.  Allow yourself to disengage or leave a painful situation and attend to your pain. Only you truly know how you are feeling and what your boundaries and limitations are. Be true to yourself.  

Embrace this holiday as-is. You may feel overwhelmed and in pain, but there is still goodness to be experienced, even in the pain. There will be holidays in the future that are lighter and happier, and these difficult days are part of the healing path to get there.   

New traditions. New traditions can be healing and can help you create better connections to the loved ones in your life. If you have survived the loss of a loved one you can start a new tradition that symbolizes letting go, such as sending balloons or floating lanterns in the air. 

Above all, know that is okay to be blue during the holiday season.  

If you need someone to talk to you can contact the Center for Couples and Families at (385) 312-0506, text  HOME to 741741 to reach the crisis hotline or call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255. 

 Originally published on Utah Valley Health and Wellness Magazine

CCD Smiles: One in a million

I am the only one in my family with CCD (Cleidocranial Dysplasia), which was a random mutation. Having CCD influenced my studies and career choices. I have always been fascinated by the body, genetics, and helping others with physical or emotional health problems. I started my career as an emergency room registered nurse. I did my Master’s thesis on CCD and then went on to obtain a Doctorate in Nursing Practice (DNP) degree. I have been a nurse practitioner for the past 14 years, working in family medicine and mental health. My background in medicine helps me better understand CCD. I want to share my experience and medical understanding with others.  

I was born in Reedley, California in 1975. When I was born, it was obvious to my parents and doctors that something was wrong. My body, mostly my head, was shaped differently than a “normal” baby’s. At 3 months of age, I was diagnosed with Cleidocranial Dysplasia. 

I grew up knowing I was different. The most difficult part of CCD was all the oral and facial surgeries. My baby teeth never fell out on their own, my permanent teeth didn’t grow in on their own, and I had several extra teeth which had to be surgically removed. Everything in my mouth had to be done manually. I started having oral surgeries at age 7 and I spent most of my Christmas, Spring, and Summer breaks undergoing surgery. My last major surgery was when I was 19 years old. 

 CCD dental treatment was not easily navigated. My dentists, orthodontists, and oral surgeons had never treated anyone with CCD. Everything they tried was experimental. 

Medical insurance and dental insurance did not cover the cost of my surgeries. Medical insurance considered my teeth problems to be dental. Dental insurance considered the surgeries cosmetic. My parents were paying for my surgeries until I was in college. 

When I was growing up, I didn’t know anyone with CCD. In 2001, technology helped me to connect with other people with CCD for the first time. I heard about other people’s experiences as I conducted phone interviews for my Master’s thesis “CCD: The lived experience.” Eight years ago, I met Steffani and her daughter Hally, who have CCD, for the very first time. 

 CCD Smiles 

I felt inspired to create a nonprofit organization to help others with CCD. I started working on the foundation in 2013. In 2016, Gaten Matarazzo’s dad contacted me. Together, we made CCD Smiles an official IRS approved nonprofit organization in January 2017. Since it’s official beginnings, we have had gatherings and fundraisers across the country. I have met 38 other people with CCD, which has been a tremendous blessing in my life.  

 Gaten Matarazzo, from the series Stranger Things, is a huge part of bringing awareness to CCD. As his popularity in Hollywood has grown, so has familiarity with CCD and CCD Smiles.  

CCD Smiles is still in its infancy, but you can go to www.ccdsmiles.org to learn more about us and watch us grow! Currently, the website is a place for donations, purchasing CCD swag and education about CCD. In the future, the website will be a place where those with CCD can connect, share pictures, exchange stories, and find hope. I want others to know they are not alone. It will also provide current and accurate medical information, written in plain English. Doctors, dentists, orthodontists, and surgeons can come together and discuss treatment, research, and options for their patients. 

As CCD Smiles grows and donations are made, we can help cover the costs of oral/facial surgeries. If insurance isn’t going to help, then we can. I don’t want the medical/dental expense to keep parents from being able to provide beautiful smiles for their children. 

My ultimate dream is coming true. July 13-15, 2018 will be the first national CCD conference in Salt Lake City.  Watch the website for more information. If anyone is interested in donating time, money, or talents to this event, please email me at kellywosnik@ccdsmiles.org. 

CCD Smiles Mission Statement: We bring global awareness, provide assistance for dental care, and support research to improve outcomes and quality of life for individuals with cleidocranial dysplasia. 

CCD Smiles can be found in the media and on social media— Instagram, Facebook and Twitter (@ccd_smiles, #ccdsmiles) 

Originally published on Utah Valley Health and Wellness Magazine