5 Simple Tips for The Mother of a Teenage Daughter – Part II

Are You Even Listening to Me?

This may be a statement that we say as adults to children, but more times than not our daughters are wondering the same thing. Through your example you can teach your daughter the powerful skill of active listening. This skill will not only strengthen your and her relationship, but it will also benefit her in every other relationship that she has.

Active listening techniques include: building trust and establishing rapport, demonstrating concern, paraphrasing and repeating back what you are hearing, demonstrating nonverbal cues which show understanding, such as nodding, eye contact, or leaning forward and lastly affirmations like “I see” or “I understand”. As you practice active listening pay close attention to the feelings underlying the message, this is often the real message. Active listening allows us to connect and understand each other on a deeper level. Through genuinely listening you are showing your daughter that she is worthy of your time. In that moment she will feel that she is more important to you then whoever is texting you, or that mountain of laundry that is piled on the floor.

Repair Because You Care

People in healthy relationships don’t avoid conflict. Conflict is inevitable in any type of relationship, so practice dealing with the conflict head on. The sooner you address the conflict issue with your daughter, the less time there is for feelings of anger, frustration or resentment to keep building. Avoiding conflict will not only weaken your relationship, but it will also cement a pattern of not resolving conflict for your daughter. Teaching your daughter how to address conflict gives her the tools necessary to have tough uncomfortable conversations without being afraid. It exemplifies unconditional love and tells her that you respect her and value your relationship with her, even if you are arguing for the fourth time that week!

Check back soon for part III.

Written by Brandi Hess, LAMFT – Therapist at Holladay Center for Couples and Families

5 Simple Tips for The Mother of a Teenage Daughter – Part I

I have a vivid memory of holding my newborn baby girl, rocking her late into the night, staring at her chubby face and thinking that she and I will be best friends forever. Flash forward to today and one might now find me in the late hours of the night googling the realities of demons actually being able to take over bodies, because surely that is what is going on with my teenage daughter…right?

There is something magical about the idea of a strong mother/daughter bond. Many people crave it or grieve because they don’t have it. Whether you consider your relationship with your mother/daughter to be strong or weak, there is always room to strengthen it and connect on deeper more meaningful levels. Below five simple ways to help strengthen your relationship with your daughter, helping you to thrive rather than survive the teenage years.

Communicate

Many mothers and daughters are simply not communicating. When was the last time that you sat down with your daughter and really talked to her about her day, her life, her dreams and goals, with the purpose of truly gaining an understanding of who she is. Find ways to spend time with your daughter. This will create communication opportunities. Go for a walk, cook a meal together, go shopping, anything that you and her can enjoy together. As you laugh, and talk you become connected through joy. As the connection is strengthened communication becomes more natural, allowing you both to feel comfortable discussing the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Check back soon for part II and part III.

Written by Brandi Hess, LAMFT – Therapist at Holladay Center for Couples and Families

What to do if you are on a path of divorce – Couples Counseling

Marriage is never easy. Have you ever wondered how so many people seem to look so happy in theirs? Well – they might be, but chances are, they struggle too. The difference might be how you handle the struggle as a couple that can bring you happiness or not. It’s important to know that how you argue with your spouse matters more to the life and longevity and healthy of your marriage than the simple fact or presence of arguments in the first place – according to marital researcher John Gottman. Learning how to argue or fight fair is crucial to building a relationship that lasts. John Gottman outlines several important types of fighting that can harm your marriage. The first is criticism. This is where you directly complain and nitpick at your spouse. The second is contempt. This is harsher than criticism because you start to attack the character of your spouse instead of just what they are doing. The third is defensiveness. This is where you react with a defensive posture to things that your spouse does or says. Lastly, stonewalling. This is where you cut your spouse off emotionally and don’t engage in any way. John Gottman found that when these types of interactions are present in your marriage, that it’s in trouble. Come to counseling to find out what to do if you are engaged with your spouse in these ways of fighting. They can help fix and turn things around.

Couples Counseling with an Expert

Couples counseling, if done right, isn’t a refereed fight in a therapist’s office. A trained therapist will help you to identify underlying, unmet emotional needs after helping you to deescalate from the tension and fighting you have been experiencing with your spouse. The problem is that most couples come into therapy years too late and it is difficult to change course – to learn a new way. It is possible, however! John Gottman, a world-renowned researcher on marital stability and satisfaction, has found that it is not the presence of argument that causes divorce, but rather it’s how a couple argues that causes divorce. Knowing this, couples don’t have to ignore what they are feeling, but rather they can communicate it differently and in a healthier manner.

Marriage and family therapists are trained to do this type of work. This is a specific degree and license type that focuses on relationships between people (husband and wife; father and son; mother and daughter, etc…) as the point of intervention rather than just focusing on fixing symptoms (depression; anxiety, etc…). Its important to alleviating depression and anxiety and its crucial to build relationships that help someone deal better with anxiety and depression in the first place.

Family Therapy

Families often struggle to communicate. We often work with families that have a hard time creating and enforcing rule and boundaries, co-parenting and dealign with adolescents and teenagers. A good family therapist will help a family develop relationship patterns instead of just treating symptoms (i.e., depression and anxiety). Symptom abatement will result in additional problems (really just the same problem manifesting itself again). Working on fundamental change will help progress continue past therapy. We do counseling for families in Holladay, Cottonwood Heights, Millcreek, Murray, Sandy and Sugar House.

The answer is YOU!

This time I was determined to fix this on my own. After all, I had a certification in corrective exercise, how could I not fix this? At that point I realized the only person that can help me was me. I was sick of paying chiropractors and doctors to temporarily ease the pain, but never giving me a path forward so that I could enjoy aggressive sports, lifting heavy, snowboarding, or whatever I felt like doing. I thought to myself, shouldn’t these professionals know how to fix this? Well yeah, but their answer was surgery. Not mine. By the way, I realize that sometimes the only answer is surgery in certain cases. And that’s okay. But I wanted to give my body a chance to see if I could figure this one out on my own. Feeling frustrated, but hopeful, I started to study every article about sacroiliac joint pain related to exercise and nursing it back to full strength, if it was even possible. There was a lot of trial and error, stumbling along the way, and figuring out which exercises were doable and which ones I needed to avoid. I slept different. I changed my posture. Patience was needed because this was a slow process. I slowly began building up my joint strength, my core strength, hip mobility, working in different planes of motion, and finally lifting heavier and heavier weight. I succeeded. I felt as if I had never experienced this injury because I was pain free and felt strong enough that I could do anything. This was probably one of the most satisfying experiences of overcoming something that seemed impossible to do. 

I feel like we all have something like this, whether it is losing fat, getting stronger, eating healthier and living a healthy lifestyle, training for a difficult event, overcoming an injury, getting over an addiction, succeeding at a business or career, and so on and so forth. My challenge to you is to be patient and be hopeful. Don’t give up. If it’s worth it to you, then give it all that you can whether that be physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. Be your best self. You have the potential and you are well worth it! 

 

 

Behavioral Health: Integrated Care and the Future of Whole-Person Treatment

The term behavioral health has gained exposure and popularity more recently, particularly among medical providers and those involved in healthcare reform in the United States. Burg & Oyama1 define behavioral health as, “the psychosocial care of patients that goes far beyond a focus on diagnosing mental or psychiatric illness… [encompassing] not only mental illness but also factors that contribute to mental well-being”. This is the first of a series of articles which will introduce essential concepts and goals for integrated behavioral health treatment.  Why is this important?  The correlation between comorbid mental health and medical issues has mounting evidence for impacting healthcare cost, treatment outcomes, and patient satisfaction.  Comorbidity in this sense refers to the presence of two co-occurring issues influencing the progression and prognosis of either condition.  Well researched comorbid conditions include diabetes & depression2asthma & anxiety/panic3, and chronic pain & psychosocial issues4.  The good news is we are learning innovative ways to effectively treat comorbid conditions concurrently, thereby increasing the likelihood of successful outcomes and improved quality of life for patients. 

The sustainable future of healthcare in the U.S. will likely require efforts to improve consultation/communication, cross-discipline competency, and collaboration among clinical teams.  Traditionally, mental health specialists (i.e. psychologists, LMFTs, LCSWs, LPCs, CMHCs, etc.) have operated in relative isolation from the medical community.  Aside from psychiatrists, who are primarily trained as Medical Doctors (MD), many practicing psychotherapists have minimal training in the biomedical model of treatment.  And the inverse is true as well, wherein medical practitioners often have limited understanding of psychotherapeutic theory, psychosocial problem etiology, and effective behavioral intervention.  This is exceptionally problematic for the patient because practitioners involved in treatment may have dramatically different, and often conflicting, beliefs about mental health problems and their respective solutions.  Sperry5  suggests, “the goal of health care integration is to position the behavioral health counselor to support the physician… bring more specialized knowledge… identify the problem, target treatment, and manage medical patients with psychological problems using a behavioral approach”.  The future of medicine may very well be found in systems which prioritize such supportive collaboration, encourage patient-centered policy, and deliver on whole-person treatment options.  

Hopefully this educational introduction to behavioral health integration can serve as a starting point for further interest and exploration of the topic.  While this is a relatively new concept, I predict we will see a dramatic increase of integrative efforts emerge over the next several years as clinicians, administrators, policy makers, and third-party payers (i.e. insurance companies) recognize the cost-effectiveness and clinical efficacy of interdisciplinary collaboration.  We do not live our lives in a vacuum, and our problems are rarely isolated conditions in themselves.  Therefore, we will need innovators across various disciplines to create efficient and effective systems which benefit all parties involved with the daunting task of healthcare reform.  As patients, we can empower ourselves with education about how the biopsychosocial model might positively influence our role and options in treatment.  So, the next time you are at the doctor’s office and they ask you questions about mood and/or behaviors, and you think, “What does this have to do with my medical problem?”, now you’ll know.   

References 

1.Burg, M.A., & Oyama, O. (2016).  The behavioral health specialist in primary care: Skills for integrated practice. New York, NY:  Springer Publishing Company.   

 

  1. de Groot, M., Golden, S.H., & Wagner, J. (2016).  Psychological conditions in adults with diabetes. American Psychologist, 71(7), 552-562.    

 

  1. Ritz, R.,Meuret, A., Trueba, A.F., Fritzche, A., & von Leupoldt, A. (2013).  Psychosocial factors and behavioral medicine interventions in asthma.  Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 81(2), 231-250.  

 

  1. Gatchel, R.J.,McGeary, D.D., McGeary, C.A., & Lippe, B., (2014).  Interdisciplinary chronic pain management.  American Psychologist, 69(2), 119-130. 

 

  1. Sperry, L. (2014). Behavioral health: Integrating individual and family interventions in the treatment of medical conditions.  New York, NY: Routledge.  

 

Winter Can Be Enjoyable

As we roll into the winter months, fitness can be more and more difficult to stay on top of. To help avoid the “Utah winter hibernation” I want to give 4 tips that have helped me to take control of the bleak Utah winters and be able to maintain my fitness lifestyle!  

 

 

 

  1. 1.Make time for exercise. The most difficult thing about transitioning from summer to winter is planning. During the summer it can be easy to be active just be default. We can ride our bike, go for a walk, and participate with friends and family in outdoor activities without thinking twice about it. During the winter, these activities are not anywhere near as easy to do, if possible at all. So it requires planning to attend a fitness class, go to the gym, etc. So be sure and plan your workout and make it a priority. 
  2. Find a friend to workout with. We all know how hard it can be to get a fitness routine going in the winter. When it is cold outside the thought of leaving our warm bed and going to work out is less than desirable. Finding a friend that has similar fitness goals will help keep you motivated and accountable! Another substitute for this is hiring a personal trainer, even just initially, to help develop those habits.  
  3. Find a new winter hobby. During summer, it can be easy to get a quick workout in by just stepping outside and going for a walk. The cold brings unique opportunities to try something new! I personally love snowboarding, and it provides a great workout. Other things you might try is joining an indoor sports league, fitness classes at a local gym, indoor cycling, etc.  
  4. Be safe. In applying these tips, be sure that you have the right equipment and proper dress attire. One problem that I see, in the winter time is that people don’t dress adequately for winter sports and this can cause physiological problems. For example when running outdoors it is crucial to warm up properly, if we begin a jog by jumping right into it, the cold air can cause our respiratory tract to constrict, decreasing our flow of oxygen when our body needs it. This can lead to lightheadedness, dizziness, nausea, hypothermia, and other problems. If you are unsure on what might be needed, ask an expert. 

 Winter can be an excellent time for fitness goals if combated properly! I would love to hear about the fun winter experiences that you have and any new winter activities that you find. You can reach out to me with these experiences and any questions you might have on instagram @trainerkelli or on Facebook! Have fun and be safe!  

Originally published on Utah Valley Health and Wellness Magazine

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We are giving away a TIMPVIEW HIGH SCHOOL ACTIVITY PASS! 6 family members get into activities and sports events for Free! LIKE this post and our our fb page to enter yourself into the drawing. Pass is valued at $450. Good luck!