“What Is Love? Baby Don’t Hurt Me No More.”

The quality of our life is really the quality of our relationships. What am I doing to improve relationships in my life? I mean come on… we somehow think life owes us something but when was the last time you gave your heart? Yeah I get it –you’ve been snubbed. You’re a realist. Your ex walked out on you, your boss chewed you out before you had a time to explain yourself, your family doesn’t get you, and your stepfather is abusive.

But when was the last time I was the difference I wish I saw in the world? What do I really want? Do I want to hide the rest of my life or be seen? This is a serious question. It’s a question we all must ask ourselves. No one gets through life without having ample reason to cower over our fears. But what if this is the purpose of life? To overcome. To proved to ourselves that we are stronger within then the enemy without. To be brave. To love the unlovable.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds; it is consistent desire to choose faith over fear, action over inaction, integrity over dishonesty. A great spiritual leader was well known for his mantra proclaiming, “your future is as bright as your faith.”

And through this refinement process you get to the ability to let go of all barriers and choose your love and love your choice. You develop the ability to love beyond the emotion. This is my friend, is what it’s all about. To fight for your choice is the fruit of life. This is what makes all the pain of life bearable. To have relationships where you can place your soul’s desires in the cherished chambers of someone else’s heart. This is highest privileged of romantic love and this can also be experienced with family and friends.

This is why addictions are so detrimental because the addiction rules our lives and becomes the priority; they rob us of our true and lasting relationships. Why? Relationships thrive when they are placed as number one priority. And addictions deter and muddy this possibility, drive, and vision.

I moved 11 times to 7 different states before high school. And so, almost every year of my childhood I was relocated with my family to a different place. Between different states I moved, and sometimes to multiple times in the same state from Utah, Maryland, Indiana, California, Idaho, Illinois, and Virginia. None of these moves were in the same community, they were always hundreds of miles apart, although sometimes back in the same state due to my father’s schooling and civilian career choices (not military). I was lonely. School was traumatic and another reminder to my insecurities and inadequacies.  I clung to the hope that one day I could find and develop a best friend. And what I’m learning is that is not just one best friend; it’s anyone that has the seed desires to commit and discipline. Real love has a pragmatic and unromantic loyalty and that’s what makes it beautiful. Just like the pursuit of happiness is not a destination but a journey. A relationship with the desire to love beyond painful conditions is the richness of life. Somehow pain is actually needed to fertilize, nurture and grow to produce the fruit of great relationships.

When this is in place you can develop best friends. Below are 10 fruits of best friend qualities:

1.You feel honored to know them. There is this respect, “wow factor” about them.

2. Just seeing then brings a smile to you. You know you’ll laugh with them the moment you make eye contact.

3. Your favorite memories are with them. You have such a reserve of fun memories and you know things are only going to get better. You trust that anything between you will always get resolved; the love is stronger than anything rude you will say and do. And you have clear memories where they were there for you when others would have left and you did the same.

4. They expand your soul and teach you stuff… you’re a better person because of them.

5. You have a healthy motivation to be your best. There’s no fear. You know they are yours because your connection is that special. There’s a sense of loyal security and crazy spontaneity – a real bond of attachment. And you’re willing to give your life for them. That bond, your bond, it is worth more to you than life itself. You would sacrifice anything, and for some reason it doesn’t even seem like a sacrifice. The story of Christ’s suffering on the cross brings you to tears because you know you would do the same thing. You actually know His love.

6. Your relationship is the best. Your relationship far exceeds the external attraction of any activity, a common interest, any sex, any good looks, house, mansion, racecar, money etc.

7. You just “get” each other. You don’t have to explain things you normally need to with others because you have shared and similar pain, joy, and humor.

8. It’s amazing to you how quickly you’ll start crying or even laughing together.

9. You absolutely trust them. You only have to think, “Oh, that’s weird” when someone asks what crazy thing you’re doing. And you have this dialogue with yourself where your soul, mind, and body seem to disagree.  Your soul says, “of course, why not?” Your mind says, “You’re crazy.” And your body says, “What about me, you’re tired, hungry, too poor, …think of all the excuses.”

10. There is the sense that together you own the world. You can do anything. The world is your playground. The world responds to you rather than you reacting. You feel powerful together.

I have not met someone, or better said, I do not have a relationship where this is constant all the time but there are moments and roots that we have that form our foundation of respect, loyalty, and kindness that are deeper than the momentary disappointments. Like the song lyrics to Haddaway, “What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me, no more.” Love is a choice beyond pain. Choose someone to love today. Not because they deserve it but because that is who you are. Love is your dignity. Love is the essence of you, and the relationships we create. I would love to meet and together help create deep, meaningful, and lasting relationships. Please give me a call.

Ryan Smith, MS, LAMFT, Therapist at Holladay Center for Couples and Families

True Self Care Vs. Escapism

Have you ever felt burnt-out and desperate for rest, relaxation, fun, or connection?  But despite taking time to do something you thought would help you take a break and be ready to jump back into life, you still feel overwhelmed, anxious, and as though you have had no rest at all?  This may be a sign that you are actually engaging in escapism vs. true self-care. The key is being able to tell the difference between the two so that you can care for yourself in ways that give you the rest and relaxation that you need.  

What is Escapism?

Escapism is any behavior done to avoid or escape doing other important tasks.  It is running away from responsibility which is different from self-care that consists of assertively pursuing healthy activities that can rejuvenate your mental, emotional, and physical energy.  There are two primary types of escapism, Behaviorally Destructive Escapism, and Perceptually Destructive Escapism.

Behaviorally Destructive Escapism

Behaviorally destructive escapism includes any behavior done impulsively that causes physical, emotional, or relational harm to yourself or others.  These are behaviors with short-term pay-offs and long-term consequences. This can include drug use, excessive drinking, excessive video game playing, excessive eating, tv watching, impulsive shopping, excessive and risky sexual behaviors, excessive social media use, etc.  

Perceptually Destructive Escapism

Escapism can also occur based upon the attitude and perception with which you approach doing “self-care” activities. You may be turning a potential self-care activity into escapism as you continually judge yourself for taking time to care for yourself, feel guilty about taking time for yourself, and view the time you are taking for yourself as a time to escape and avoid what you really need to get done in place of feeling it is a time you are assertively investing in caring for yourself.

Escapism Results

Short-term you will know if you are falling into a pattern of escapism if regardless of how much time and effort you put into doing restful and pleasurable activities, you feel they have no positive impact on your overall happiness and are not helping to rejuvenate you in your everyday life.  Long term, you will begin to experience more frustration, overwhelmed feelings, resentment, and burnout concerning your life and relationships.

True Self-Care

Behaviorally self-care is any healthy and positive behavior that you do assertively to take care of yourself.  This can include simple things like taking a bath, spending quality time with a loved one, taking time to watch a movie you like, reading an enjoyable book, or working out.  It can also include more complex and extravagant things like buying yourself something you have wanted/needed or going on a vacation. Big acts of self-care are not better than small everyday acts of self-care, the key is to do consistent self-care.  This will help you to live a more balanced and happy life while also preventing burn-out.

Perceptually, the attitude with which you approach self-care is extremely important.  You will get the most out of that time when you:

  • Participate in activities or behaviors that are healthy, positive, and in line with your personal values.
  • Do self-care behaviors on a consistent/daily basis.
  • Allow yourself to be fully engaged in the self-care behavior, and practice mindfulness throughout that time.
  • Do not allow your self-care time to be infringed on by others casually, treat that time as important and sacred and not just something you do when there is nothing else better or more important to get done.

Self-Care Results

You will know you are accomplishing quality self-care when after participating in the activity/behavior you feel any of the following sensations and/or emotions:

  • Rested
  • Happier
  • More Fulfilled
  • Rejuvenated
  • Less on-edge/agitated
  • Ready to jump back into work and responsibilities

Additional Support

If you struggle with being able to get into a mindset that allows you to begin experiencing quality self-care, using free guided meditations on YouTube can be a way to experience quality self-care, and help to guide you into a more healthy mindset from which you can approach self-care.  

If you are really struggling to accomplish quality self-care, it is recommended that you work with a therapist to improve your ability to care for yourself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, on a long-term basis.

Dr. Elizabeth A. Beckmann DMFT, LMFT, BA
Therapist at the Center for Couples and Families – Holladay

Find a Happy Future

Upset I’d rather hide than try. I’m silent when it’s time to stand. Why do I impose a face of apathy when I’m scared? Maybe it’s time to stop covering what’s broken and start fixing. Maybe it’s not ‘maybe’ anymore. It’s time to value me more than security.

Stop estimating your future based on your present situation.  Nobody falls to the top they always climb.  We have heard many rags to riches stories.  Why can’t that story be yours?  Whenever we see someone great, and look at him or her thinking that they have some superior talent and they probably do, but the thing we forget is that they started out average.  Just like you and me.  It is their discipline; the action we take that separates great people from mediocrity.  Heroes and cowards are no different except it is how they choose to face fear.

I am a hypocrite because I don’t take advantage of my moments too.  I’m not as painfully honest, assertive, or as strong as I know others need me to be.  Too often I come home wishing I had handled my new challenge with greater courage forgetting the cost.

I write this as my mantra.  This is my new commitment to self.  I will not cower to the fears overwhelming inside.  I cannot be captain to my glorious future ahead if I do not weld my ship with vision undeterred.  We live in America, for crying out loud!  What blessings are ours?  It is possible and so I try.

And so, I am

Vulnerable enough to claim my pain,

Confident enough to laugh at myself,

Strong enough to admit my mistakes,

Humble enough to dare the impossible,

Meek enough to relinquish resentment,

Simple enough to love one more time.

And,

I am strong.

Hurt empowers me.

Failure fuels my fight.

Weakness births strengths.

Life’s hard, but I hit harder.

Written by Ryan Smith, LAMFT, Therapist, Center for Couples and Families – Holladay

Thoughts are Reality

You and me, we have magnetic power to attract what we want.  What we are becomes our reality.  It is not the other way around, such as ‘our reality makes us to who we are.’  It is, ‘who we are becomes our reality.’  What we think about will eventually manifest it.  The law of attraction is no less true in my life.  And I invite you to consider how your life has attracted what you first harbored inside.  When was the last time you thought something good and something good happened to you?  What about something bad?

In fact, tonight, I dare you to watch a movie and identify the emotion of that movie and then go straight to bed.  I bet you that your dreams will carry that same emotion of the movie you watched.  Your dreams will carry the emotions that you magnetized to yourself during the movie and you will most likely have a story line of behaviors and events in your dream that justify your emotions to some degree.  For instance, if courage was the emotion you may find yourself defending the defenseless in your dream while simultaneously facing your fears.

I say courage because that is exactly what happened to me.  I stayed up too late watching adventure movie trailers and woke this morning from a dream defending an innocent employee from an abusive drunken business owner.  I don’t usually watch movies and this is the first dream I can remember ever actually fighting and rescuing the defenseless.

           If this can occur in just one night, imagine developing a habit of positive thoughts and the positivity that will actually come to you, and not just in your dreams?  I have seen this in my own life, how I see myself, others follow.  This is partially true because others who see me differently, I ignore and do not allow their judgments to carry my attention.

           Another quick example is found in skiing.  I love skiing for several reasons, and one of those is how quickly the law of the harvest reaps it’s fruit.  Although I started skiing 8 years ago, I only went once a year and it was hard to see any improvement.  But 2 years ago, I purchased a season pass, howbeit late in the season, March, with only a month to spare.  Knowing my time was short I made it to the slopes six times in the remaining five weeks.  I skied more in the month of March and April of 2016 then I had my whole life.  And I was amazed how much I improved in not only every ski day but also every run down the mountain.  Each ski-chair lift was a time of meditation to push the limits from the prior run.  I challenged myself and not a day went by without falling and skis flying unclipped, eventually I confidently fell down Double Black Diamonds; I eventually snaked down with ‘S’ turns and catching air, not the kind you see on YouTube but none the less personal record-worthy notes for me.  The keys were that I enjoyed it, saw falling as part of the journey, kept practicing without judgment, and I believed I could ski like the other great skiers around me.

            This, no less than 10 year-old, probably taught it best.  Check it out below:

           No one is an island.  In order to achieve anything great, we all need the support of others.  Therapy is a personal relationship to the things we attract and authoring our magnets into what we esteem as success.  It is possible.  What great thing will you start attracting today?

Written by Ryan Smith, LAMFT, Therapist, Center for Couples & Families – Holladay

Welcome Dr. Elizabeth Beckmann to HCCF!

Dr. Elizabeth Beckmann has joined the team and we are thrilled! She brings a wealth of knowledge and experience with her. She has a track record of helping clients and we are sure she can help you too.

Help us welcome her – check out her bio here. Welcome Dr. Beckmann.

Responding to Emotional Disruption

Experiencing emotional disruption is a significant part of the human experience.  On a daily basis, each of us experiences emotional pain, discomfort, uneasiness, and sorrow.  However, we also experience satisfaction, joy, excitement, and fulfillment.
Emotional disruption is any emotional experience which moves us out of our emotional homeostasis. This means that any emotional movement, whether desirable or not, is disrupting from a place of emotional neutrality.
All too often, we place our efforts on attempting to limit, control, or otherwise minimize the emotional disruptions we experience.  Typically, we are socially conditioned as we move through our teen years and into young adulthood, to suppress our emotional disruption as to not impact others by our emotional experiences.  While this approach may reduce the impact we have on others whom we interact with socially, it causes an internal suppression of the self. Once this occurs, we rely heavily on our thinking to navigate our daily experience, while ignoring the internal emotional prompts which are designed to assist us in understanding ourselves and the world around us.
When we give ourselves permission to feel our emotional disruptions, we will greatly increase our capacity to self-regulate.  Once we can embrace the emotional experiences which come our way, we can reduce our hesitation to feel them.  Engaging with the emotional content, whether uncomfortable or inviting, allows us to combine our best thinking with our emotional experience to more effectively navigate our day today decisions and interactions with others.
Anthony T. Alonzo DMFT, LMFT, CFLE

College: A Generation at Risk

A College diploma is a goal for millions of Americans, yet graduation rates have never been lower and those who do graduate take 6 years on average compared to the 4 years of previous generations.  Recent research has helped us understand that these dismal outcomes are not because students cannot handle the coursework, because the vast majority of students can grasp the academic content; rather mental health issues are now the prominent struggle in College.   

The statistics tell a rather grim story at first glance.  A study by the APA in 2017 found 

86% of students with psychological and learning challenges left school without a diploma. The CDC discovered that suicide is currently the 2nd leading cause of death among college students and this year, WHO found that 1 in 20 full-time college students have seriously considered suicide. 

There is one statistic, however, that gives hope to these startling facts.  94% of high school students with emotional and learning differences receive some form of assistance. In contrast, only 17% of college students with the same challenges do so.  The remaining 74% still need assistance in navigating the new world of College life, but faced with logistical and financial constraints, Colleges will have to adapt quickly when it comes to providing services for the mental health of its students.  Currently, there is a nation-wide average of 2,500 students for every one counselor and this clearly isn’t enough. 

The good news, if you or someone you know needs help while in school, there are a couple of private and non-profit companies filling the gap in the state of Utah so please reach out for hope, healing, and help. 

Originally published on http://utvalleywellness.com

Boundaries With Others – How To Set Them

When you’re trying to create boundaries with people they will be tested. It’s like when cows enter a new pasture, they will knock their shoulder against the perimeter a few times to check out where their boundaries are and how strong they are. Cows are strong enough to take down barbed wire if they really wanted to, but they aren’t really testing if they can get out, they are testing if they are safe from the external world. Once they know that the boundaries are consistent and stable they feel safe and they graze in the middle. If the cows don’t have that consistent boundary they will rely on the cowboy to tell them when they have gone too far. The cowboy, however, doesn’t have consistent boundaries, they will only correct the cow when they notice the cow has gone too far, which doesn’t create a feeling of safety. People are the same when they have never experienced consistent boundaries, or they are experiencing new boundaries. People will test boundaries, not enough to break them but enough to trust that they are there to stay and to trust that they are there to keep them safe.

A lot of young adults who never experienced boundaries, because their parents wanted to be their friend. They have a great relationship with their parents, but they will tell me that they feel like they grew up as an orphan because they don’t have a secure home base. but they will tell me that they are afraid to explore and take risks as an adult because they can’t trust that they have parents who are watching out for them, to make sure they don’t make a mistake big enough to ruin their entire life.

It’s important that people are given the space to grow and find their own solutions within appropriate limits. When your setting limits the goal is not to get a specific outcome, rather the goal is to prevent a specific outcome. It is quite spectacular what people can come up with when their possibilities aren’t limited, but just the same we don’t want anyone hurting themselves or others in the process. Limits are set to prevent irreversible and/or irreplaceable damage, while still allowing people to learn how to cope with and improve from mistakes.

When cattle are being herded they have the instinct to turn around when they feel blocked, which can be disruptive to the flow and requires more work to redirect them back into the flow. To redirect a cow, you want them to feel pressure on their shoulder. If you are in front of them when you apply this pressure they feel blocked, if you are beside them when you apply this pressure they will simply turn a bit from where they shouldn’t be. People are the same, when they are told to stop doing what they are doing (and they don’t continue trampling over you) they will do a complete turnaround, even if this wasn’t your intention. If you’re only wanting a slight redirection from a no-go zone you want to adjust your approach to let them know that you understand that they want to move forward, and you want that too, but you want them going forward in a slightly different direction.

Written by Madison Price, MA, LAMFT – therapist at the Holladay Center for Couples and Families

 

Healthy Dependency

We have all been dependent at some point in our lives, whether it be on other people, a tool, or medication. Dependency doesn’t begin with malicious intent, we depend with a need. I think of a scene from forest Gump when forest had braces on his legs, and he feared taking them off would make his condition worse. It is unknown when his dependency on these braces became unnecessary, but they did and it wasn’t until he met a crisis in which the braces had to fall off when he realized he had been dependent on his braces longer than what was necessary. In this moment, he found his potential.

He would not have become dependent on the braces if he didn’t need them at one point. We are all dependent when we are in need to be or made to believe we are in need of dependency. Without the braces, Forest would have never met his full potential, his legs needed the assistance to become functional. Therefore, we should not be afraid of dependency its self. We should be afraid of being convinced we are in need of more assistance than what is healthy. Fear is very convincing, we become afraid when we experience something to be afraid of or we are warned by others to be afraid.

When you’re in fear of crippling yourself it’s difficult to know when what you depend on is no longer needed and its holding you back. Like Forest many people find out they are stronger without their dependency in a moment of crisis when you have no option but to let go. Throughout life we grow and change in moments of crisis. We have an instinct to let go of everything that limits us from survival. To know what we truly depend on we have to create a crisis for ourselves, challenge ourselves to experience discomfort in our relationships.

In Forest’s case if he were going to a physical therapist he would be challenged physically in a controlled environment where the physical therapist would challenge him further than his fear would allow, but ensure that his muscles would be strengthen by the challenge, rather than being permanently damaged by too much strain.  Therapy for those who are emotionally dependent is similar in that a therapist is there to gage how much more you can endure while at the same time increasing your resiliency.

Moving forward allowed forest the flexibility to move directions when he wasn’t going where he intended to go. If he remained in that spot, in those braces, if he didn’t like where he was, there was little movement he could make.  Building his strength and losing the braces allows for choices to be made. It’s not always easy to let go when you believe that you have no choice. Having someone there, giving you choices, faith in yourself, and pushing you when your fear tells you that you can’t handle any more, and supporting you when you need rest means everything when you are taking the risk of vulnerability.

Written by Madison Price, MA, LAMFT – therapist at the Holladay Center for Couples and Families

 

Boundaries With Others – How To Set Them

When you’re trying to create boundaries with people they will be tested. It’s like when cows enter a new pasture, they will knock their shoulder against the perimeter a few times to check out where their boundaries are and how strong they are. Cows are strong enough to take down barbed wire if they really wanted to, but they aren’t really testing if they can get out, they are testing if they are safe from the external world. Once they know that the boundaries are consistent and stable they feel safe and they graze in the middle. If the cows don’t have that consistent boundary they will rely on the cowboy to tell them when they have gone too far. The cowboy however doesn’t have consistent boundaries, they will only correct the cow when they notice the cow has gone too far, which doesn’t create a feeling of safety. People are the same when they have never experienced consistent boundaries, or they are experiencing new boundaries. People will test boundaries, not enough to break them but enough to trust that they are there to stay and to trust that they are there to keep them safe.

A lot of young adults who never experienced boundaries, because their parents wanted to be their friend. They have a great relationship with their parents, but they will tell me that they feel like they grew up as an orphan because they don’t have a secure home base. but they will tell me that they are afraid to explore and take risks as an adult because they can’t trust that they have parents who are watching out for them, to make sure they don’t make a mistake big enough to ruin their entire life.

It’s important that people are given the space to grow and find their own solutions within appropriate limits. When your setting limits the goal is not to get a specific outcome, rather the goal is to prevent a specific outcome. It is quite spectacular what people can come up with when their possibilities aren’t limited, but just the same we don’t want anyone hurting themselves or others in the process. Limits are set to prevent irreversible and/or irreplaceable damage, while still allowing people to learn how to cope with and improve from mistakes.

When cattle are being herded they have the instinct to turn around when they feel blocked, which can be disruptive to the flow and requires more work to redirect them back into the flow. To redirect a cow, you want them to feel pressure on their shoulder. If you are in front of them when you apply this pressure they feel blocked, if you are beside them when you apply this pressure they will simply turn a bit from where they shouldn’t be. People are the same, when they are told to stop doing what they are doing (and they don’t continue trampling over you) they will do a complete turnaround, even if this wasn’t your intention. If you’re only wanting a slight redirection from a no go zone you want to adjust your approach to let them know that you understand that they want to move forward, and you want that too, but you want them going forward in a slightly different direction.

Written by Madison Price, MA, LAMFT – therapist at the Holladay Center for Couples and Families