Boundaries With Others – How To Set Them

When you’re trying to create boundaries with people they will be tested. It’s like when cows enter a new pasture, they will knock their shoulder against the perimeter a few times to check out where their boundaries are and how strong they are. Cows are strong enough to take down barbed wire if they really wanted to, but they aren’t really testing if they can get out, they are testing if they are safe from the external world. Once they know that the boundaries are consistent and stable they feel safe and they graze in the middle. If the cows don’t have that consistent boundary they will rely on the cowboy to tell them when they have gone too far. The cowboy, however, doesn’t have consistent boundaries, they will only correct the cow when they notice the cow has gone too far, which doesn’t create a feeling of safety. People are the same when they have never experienced consistent boundaries, or they are experiencing new boundaries. People will test boundaries, not enough to break them but enough to trust that they are there to stay and to trust that they are there to keep them safe.

A lot of young adults who never experienced boundaries, because their parents wanted to be their friend. They have a great relationship with their parents, but they will tell me that they feel like they grew up as an orphan because they don’t have a secure home base. but they will tell me that they are afraid to explore and take risks as an adult because they can’t trust that they have parents who are watching out for them, to make sure they don’t make a mistake big enough to ruin their entire life.

It’s important that people are given the space to grow and find their own solutions within appropriate limits. When your setting limits the goal is not to get a specific outcome, rather the goal is to prevent a specific outcome. It is quite spectacular what people can come up with when their possibilities aren’t limited, but just the same we don’t want anyone hurting themselves or others in the process. Limits are set to prevent irreversible and/or irreplaceable damage, while still allowing people to learn how to cope with and improve from mistakes.

When cattle are being herded they have the instinct to turn around when they feel blocked, which can be disruptive to the flow and requires more work to redirect them back into the flow. To redirect a cow, you want them to feel pressure on their shoulder. If you are in front of them when you apply this pressure they feel blocked, if you are beside them when you apply this pressure they will simply turn a bit from where they shouldn’t be. People are the same, when they are told to stop doing what they are doing (and they don’t continue trampling over you) they will do a complete turnaround, even if this wasn’t your intention. If you’re only wanting a slight redirection from a no-go zone you want to adjust your approach to let them know that you understand that they want to move forward, and you want that too, but you want them going forward in a slightly different direction.

Written by Madison Price, MA, LAMFT – therapist at the Holladay Center for Couples and Families

 

Healthy Dependency

We have all been dependent at some point in our lives, whether it be on other people, a tool, or medication. Dependency doesn’t begin with malicious intent, we depend with a need. I think of a scene from forest Gump when forest had braces on his legs, and he feared taking them off would make his condition worse. It is unknown when his dependency on these braces became unnecessary, but they did and it wasn’t until he met a crisis in which the braces had to fall off when he realized he had been dependent on his braces longer than what was necessary. In this moment, he found his potential.

He would not have become dependent on the braces if he didn’t need them at one point. We are all dependent when we are in need to be or made to believe we are in need of dependency. Without the braces, Forest would have never met his full potential, his legs needed the assistance to become functional. Therefore, we should not be afraid of dependency its self. We should be afraid of being convinced we are in need of more assistance than what is healthy. Fear is very convincing, we become afraid when we experience something to be afraid of or we are warned by others to be afraid.

When you’re in fear of crippling yourself it’s difficult to know when what you depend on is no longer needed and its holding you back. Like Forest many people find out they are stronger without their dependency in a moment of crisis when you have no option but to let go. Throughout life we grow and change in moments of crisis. We have an instinct to let go of everything that limits us from survival. To know what we truly depend on we have to create a crisis for ourselves, challenge ourselves to experience discomfort in our relationships.

In Forest’s case if he were going to a physical therapist he would be challenged physically in a controlled environment where the physical therapist would challenge him further than his fear would allow, but ensure that his muscles would be strengthen by the challenge, rather than being permanently damaged by too much strain.  Therapy for those who are emotionally dependent is similar in that a therapist is there to gage how much more you can endure while at the same time increasing your resiliency.

Moving forward allowed forest the flexibility to move directions when he wasn’t going where he intended to go. If he remained in that spot, in those braces, if he didn’t like where he was, there was little movement he could make.  Building his strength and losing the braces allows for choices to be made. It’s not always easy to let go when you believe that you have no choice. Having someone there, giving you choices, faith in yourself, and pushing you when your fear tells you that you can’t handle any more, and supporting you when you need rest means everything when you are taking the risk of vulnerability.

Written by Madison Price, MA, LAMFT – therapist at the Holladay Center for Couples and Families

 

The Impact of Borderline Personality Disorder on Relationships

All too often, family members, friends, fellow employees, and even therapists become reactive, judgmental, and walk on egg shells when they interact with someone who displays characteristics of borderline personality disorder.  Let me start off by summarizing some of the core characteristics of the disorder, specifically focusing on those traits which play out in the interactions with others.

  1. Affective Instability – This is where those with BPD struggle to regulate their emotions in predictable ways.  Often, their mood does not match with expected life or social situations, thus making it difficult for those around them to understand or relate to the distress they are experiencing.
  2. Fear of real or imagined abandonment – Those struggling with BPD are often afraid of being rejected, abandoned, or left alone emotionally. These feelings are triggered when the potential abandonment is indicated, as well as times where it isn’t.
  3. Identity disturbance – It can be difficult for those with BPD to maintain a consistent sense of self. There is typically a variance of self-doubt, instability in self-image, and self-acceptance.
  4. Impulsivity – Due to the emotional and personal instability, impulsivity is often a regular occurrence for those with BPD. While this may not feel disruptive for the individual, it can be highly disruptive for those around them.
  5. Paranoid ideation and dissociative symptoms – In certain situations, those with BPD may struggle with feeling paranoid, especially in relation to how they perceive other’s intentions or motives. Also, they may experience dissociative symptoms, which is a disconnect from themselves, their reality, or their sense of self.

What we need to understand about personality disorders is that they are just that, disorders which occur within the core personality of the individual.  This is important to consider, because it is extremely threatening to the individual when a personality disorder is suggested, or when a diagnosis is made, especially since it is difficult to be “objective” about your own personality.  Because of this, it can be very threatening for someone experiencing symptoms of BPD to identify and accept that the symptoms are present in their life.

It is my professional belief that the symptoms of BPD are treatable, and that through treatment, people can reduce the identified symptoms to the degree that they no longer qualify for the diagnosis.  This perspective can bring hope to those struggling with BPD, as well as those who are involved in their life.  However, the process of therapy can be challenging, and typically requires long term treatment.

Selecting a therapist who can treat BPD effectively is an important step in the process.  The therapist must be able to accurately diagnose the disorder, as well as position themselves in the therapeutic relationship as to control for and manage the identified symptoms.  A careful balance between soliciting BPD symptoms and maintaining safety and security within the therapeutic relationship is critical.  Failure to challenge the BPD symptoms results in no change, while doing so without carefully creating a safe therapeutic relationship will typically result in early or even immediate rejection on the part of the client.

Once someone with BPD can effectively accept the diagnosis, identify how the symptoms play out in their life, and learn new ways of managing and responding to the symptoms, then they can focus on the primary relationships in their life, and work on how they relate to others in new ways.

Written by Dr. Tony Alonzo, DMFT, LMFT, CFLE therapist at the Holladay Center for Couples and Families

Understanding Your Childs Anger and Depression

Children often show depression through anger or being upset. They don’t know how to be depressed and act out instead. Understanding this, as a parent, you can approach your child in the right way. You would approach a sad child different that you do an angry child. Children need validation for what they are going through. The difficulty is that they often don’t recognize what they are going through. If you do, or if you have at least an idea, you can model for them how to recognize it. For example, if you child is getting picked on at school and is having a hard time with it, you could say to them, “It looks like school is hard for you right now and that it’s making you sad”. This would be instead of saying, “Hey! Stop being mean to your brother and yelling. What is wrong with you!?” It helps when you approach your child and give them permission and space to feel sad. It’s easier to accept and work through with someone who gets it. It’s not as scary when someone is with you.

Counseling for children uses the same principles. Children often act out instead of expressing their emotions. In therapy, children are given something to do instead of just talking about what they are feeling. This is partly how they are able to express their sadness. It’s easier to do something hands on then to talk about their emotions through words.  A good play therapist will be able to help children express and experience their emotions through activities at first and then eventually through words.

Written by Dr. Triston Morgan, LMFT, therapist at Holladay Center for Couples and Families

Divorce – Counseling

Once the decision to divorce becomes imminent, components of the family system must prepare for change.  As a marriage and family therapist, its always my initial response to determine if the marriage can be repaired.  However, when people choose to end the relationship, the best course of action is to remain engaged in a therapeutic process throughout the transition.

The couple will need to work with one another to at least determine how to make decisions required for the legal aspects of dissolving the relationship.  If a couple can manage this on their own, and collaboratively and respectfully complete and submit the required documentation directly to the appropriate State department, and implement resulting legal stipulations, then this is typically the least intrusive and cost-effective method for divorce.  However, most couples have a level of financial, family, possession, and interactional patterns and history to require a divorce mediator to become involved. Typically, within a few sessions, the mediator can direct a process which results in immediate and long-term legal conditions to best assist the couple in divorce.  

All too often, individuals facing divorce immediately discontinue therapy because the marriage is over.  This can be biggest mistake they make in the process, especially considering how many different aspects of their life will require adjustment and change.  While I do not request that the couple meet together in session once they decide to divore, I strongly encourage them to remain engaged in individual therapy, and if children are involved, to make arrangements for each parent to attend therapy with their child(ren) in order to work through the questions, fears, concerns, and aspects of change they will all face, and most importantly, how to establish a new relationship with each parent individually.

Finally, without each partner exploring how they contributed to the dissolution of their marriage, they will most likely repeat harmful interactional and communicative patterns in future relationships.  Even if individuals post-divorce do not have the current intention of entering into another relationship, they should engage in the work which would otherwise place them in a position where they can, in the most healthy way, be available to engage in a future relationship.

Written by Anthony T. Alonzo, DMFT, LMFT, CFLE, Director at the Holladay Center for Couples & Families

Cleaning Out Your Marriage Closet – Couples Counseling

People are often worried about drudging up the past with their loved ones. There is controversy as to what is healthy for the relationship. People certainly don’t like to bring up an old fight when everything is going well. The issue is that we all have a closet of sorts where we hide everything that “isn’t worth the fight.” At first this closet is empty and the intention of putting things in there is good, you intend to talk about it later, it’s just not the right time.

The problem is that you enjoy the times you’re not fighting, who wouldn’t! You soon forget about what you’re storing in the closet, and you continue to throw everything “not worth the fight” into the closet. Your closet becomes full, and when you try to fit one more thing in there everything topples over. This is the fight of all fights, this is when you seemingly “loose it” out of nowhere about nothing and everything. This fight happens at a time when something was already “not worth the fight” and you were trying to put it in the closet. Therefore, you are probably not up for resolving everything in that closet either. It’s like if your junk closet toppled over just as company is coming over, you’re going to scoop everything up and stuff it back into the closet because you don’t have time to sort through it. This fight leaves everyone upset and confused and often nothing is resolved in this fight.

So how does one clean out this closet? Well its much like spring cleaning, you are going to take everything out and you begin to sort everything into categories. You evaluate if it is something that only happened once and will never happen again, if this is the case it truly isn’t worth the fight and can be thrown out. If it is something that continues to happen you need to address it, you will be bringing up the past not as a weapon against the other person, but as a justification for bringing it up as an issue. It is absolutely necessary that cleaning this closet is done at a time when your calm and you remain calm to be able to assess what the core of the problem is, what does their behavior tell you about your relationship with them. For instance, If someone is always late, how does their behavior effect you, why does it feel disrespectful to you and how does it create distance in your relationship, what is the message you receive about their feelings toward you. As opposed to judging their behavior as something you wouldn’t do and lecturing them about how it affects them.

When you clean out the closet you are transferring responsibility to the people it will be useful with. You will find that the cleaner your closet becomes the more clarity you will have in your relationships. Your intent in cleaning out the closet is not to change other people’s behavior, it is meant to change your relationships. You will find that some people will choose to become more distant because they are unwilling to make changes, but the relationships that become closer and the internal peace will be worth the distance in others.

Written by Madison Price, MS, LAMFT – therapist at Holladay Center for Couples and Families

Relationship Land Mines – How to Handle Them

All people have topics or behavior that are emotional landmines. I think of watching M.A.S.H seeing a big sign saying, “DANGER-MINE FIELD.” I love to picture this sign in my relationships. If these emotional landmines are going to be there I think it is essential for survival to create a boundary around the mine fields. I have found it courteous to set boundaries around mine, so that people have more freedom within a relationship with me. If people don’t set boundaries around their own boundaries I have to create boundaries to keep myself safe from their emotional landmines, unfortunately I don’t know exactly where the landmines are, so I have to create a boundary with large radius for extra safety. This is unfortunate because If boundaries are bigger than they need to be for the emotional safety this is limiting the potential for emotional intimacy in the relationship.

This is not only unfortunate for the person who “steps” on the emotional landmines, but also the person with the emotional landmines without appropriate boundaries. People thrive on relationships and connections. People who don’t create boundaries are absolutely terrified of being alone. Without knowing about emotional landmines, if you had the choice between land without blocked off areas and land that had nothing on it, the land without any blocked off areas seems more attractive, at least until you start walking over it! A person without boundaries want to attract people, and boundaries are not attractive. Their need for connection is not inherently bad, they are meeting this need in the only way they know how, because they haven’t experienced a long term intimate relationship as an example. Therefore, they have people around them who are avoiding a close relationship, or freeze to avoid any emotional landmines.

When you are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t create boundaries, you will often find yourself apologizing without knowing how you’re at fault. If apologizing becomes your default to suppress emotional explosions, you will attract people who have a need to blame.  People who blame are only considering their own needs, people who apologize as a default only consider the needs of others. A healthy relationship will balance your emotional needs with the needs of others with consideration of the context. If this isn’t happening your efforts to get closer to people will result in resentments. If you’re thinking “if they only knew what I was really thinking, they wouldn’t love me.” You will feel lonely in a room of people who love you.

When you share your truth, unfortunately you do risk losing people in your life.  However, knowing that even the one person who stays loves every part of you, and respects you enough to respect your boundaries will be worth anyone you lose. This is the most difficult part of setting boundaries, you have to reach a point where you can accept losing a relationship all together in order to do what it takes to be a healthier person. Accepting that you could lose a relationship means that if they are uncomfortable with boundaries they may cutoff communication with you. When you respect yourself and you respect other people enough to show them where your boundaries are to keep you and them emotionally safe, you will begin attracting healthier relationships.

Written by Madison Price, MS, LAMFT – Therapist at the Holladay Center for Couples and Families

 

Why Couples Therapy Often Fails

Couples often start therapy years after they first need it. I work with couples who tell me about their struggles years before they end up in my office. Its sad to hear how they saw the need for help, but didn’t get it for one reason or another. I hear them talk about things they try, reading books, talking with church leaders, trying harder, date nights…to no avail. There is nothing wrong with these types of activities as they do help strengthen a marriage. The problem is that the couple needs more fundamental healing and work. They need a solid relationship foundation (i.e., secure attachment, emotional safety), not a superficial fix (i.e., date night).

Here is what I tell these couples – start focusing on yours and your spouses emotional needs and experiences. Most couples struggle to do this because it is scary and unfamiliar. Understanding what your emotional needs are helps you to know what to communicate with your spouse. The trick is, at that point, communicating those needs in an appropriate manner. Extending an Invitation rather than an Demand regarding these needs is important. Invite your spouse to understand your needs and collaborate with you how to get them met. The more you then do this for your spouse the better your relationship will be. Understanding their needs and trying to meet them will help them feel safe and secure in your relationship and give them the ability to do this for you. This can be a difficult experience for both of you. Its scary to be that vulnerable and exposed with your spouse. No one else can hurt you like they can in this world. Opening up in this manner requires that you trust them to take care of you and be soft and caring. Them opening up in this manner requires the same type of trust in you.

A couples counselor can help you learn to be that vulnerable with each other while maintaining emotional safety.

By Dr. Triston Morgan, LMFT

Hidden Signs of Depression

Studies show about 1 out of every 6 adults will have depression at some time in their life. This means that you probably know someone who is depressed or may become depressed at some point. We often think of a depressed person as someone who is sad or melancholy. However, there are other signs of depression that can be a little more difficult to detect.  

Trouble Sleeping 

If you notice a change in a loved one’s sleeping habits pay close attention as this could be a sign of depression. Oftentimes depression leads to trouble sleeping and lack of sleep can also lead to depression.

Quick to Anger
When a person is depressed even everyday challenges can seem more difficult or even impossible to manage which often leads to increased anger and irritability. This can be especially true for adolescents and children.  

Losing Interest 
When someone is suffering from depression you may notice a lack of interest in past times he or she typically enjoys. “People suffering from clinical depression lose interest in favorite hobbies, friends, work — even food. It’s as if the brain’s pleasure circuits shut down or short out.” 

Appetite Changes
Gary Kennedy, MD, director of geriatric psychiatry at Montefiore Medical Center in Bronx, New York cautions that a loss of appetite can be a sign of depression or even a sign of relapse back into depression. Dr. Kennedy also points out that others have trouble with overeating when they are depressed. 

Low Self-Esteem 

Depression often leaves people feeling down about themselves. Depression can lead to feelings of self-doubt and a negative attitude.  

What to do
If you suspect you or someone you love may be suffering from depression talk about it, encourage him or her to get professional help and once he or she does be supportive. Remember that at times symptoms of depression need to be treated just like any other medical condition.

Originally published on http://utvalleywellness.com/

 

How Do I Help My Depressed Teenager?

Teens with depression can be successfully treated if they seek the right help. Teen depression doesn’t have to mean a lifetime of struggle, and it certainly doesn’t have to end in suicide. Wake up parents, be aware, notice the red flags and then seek to find the professional help that your teen needs and deserves. In addition to seeking professional assistance, below are a few key suggestions on how to help your depressed teenager.

Acknowledge their feelings: Acknowledging the pain and sadness they are experiencing can go a long way in making them feel heard, understood and supported. Often times adults try to talk their teens out of depression, by rationalizing or trying to convince them that their problems are really not that bad. Well-meaning attempts to explain why “things aren’t that bad” come across as if you don’t take their emotions seriously.

Focus on listening: Listen to your child without offering advice or lecturing. Once your teen begins to talk resist the urge to pass any judgement or get upset. You’ll do the most good by simply letting your teen know that you’re there for them, listening fully and unconditionally.

Encourage social connection: Depressed teens tend to withdraw from their friends and the activities they used to enjoy. Isolation makes depression worse, do what you can to help your teen reconnect with their peers and loved ones. Suggest activities such as sports, after-school clubs, or an art, dance, or music class suggest things that interest your child or that he or she has a special interest in.

Make Time: Set aside time each day to talk one on one with your teenager. Put your phone and work away and focus completely on your teen without trying to multitask.

Physical Health: Depression is associated with inactivity, inadequate sleep, and poor nutrition. Teens are known for staying up late, eating junk food, and spending hours on their phones and devices. Encourage your teenager to create healthy habits in their lives by exercising daily, getting enough sleep, and eating nutritious foods.

Set limits: Cell phones have become a way for teenagers to escape real life and ignore their problems. As the number of hours, a teen spends on their phone increases the number of hours that that teen spends being physically active or socially connected with their peers decreases. Which in turn, increases depression.

Be understanding.: Living with a depressed teenager can be exhausting.  At times, you may experience unnecessary guilt, rejection, despair, anger, and many other negative emotions. It is easy to blame yourself and to start doubting your own parenting skills. Remember that your child is not being difficult on purpose. Your teen is suffering, so do your best to be patient and understanding.

When Do I Seek Professional Help?

Listen to your gut. You know your child, you know what is and isn’t normal for their personality. As you are actively engaged in their lives you will know if something is up. Have the courage and the strength to seek the professional help that is necessary to help your teen learn how to manage and understand depression in order to live a happy, balanced, and fulfilled life.

 

Written by Brandi Hess, LAMFT